Planning ahead can help lessen the stress of family holiday celebrations

METRO DETROIT — During family holidays or gatherings, there is often something sparking the flame for a heated conversation.

Whether the cause is a family member, a situation or a political conversation, it seems that conflict between family members is inevitable.

“It can be a time of year that is especially challenging for people,” said Valerie Whitaker, licensed professional counselor at Oakland Family Services. “In particular, families tend to find that maybe that is an opportunity to discuss all different types of topics, because they don’t get to see everyone all the time, and they are not always thinking that might be a source for conflict.”

Whitaker has been a practicing licensed professional counselor and registered art therapist for many years. Throughout her career she has spent time working with families and youth.

Establishing clear boundaries and expectations is one of the starting points that Whitaker suggests to help prevent family conflict.

“Knowing what topics might become triggering for yourself is important,” she said. “You can ask ahead of time, if there is a topic that you know might be challenging for you, if that topic can be off limits and not discussed during the event.”

Madeleine Reardon, doctoral student at Wayne State University and intern psychologist for Sparks & Associates, presented about family conflict during the holidays at a virtual conference Nov. 15.

Reardon presented alongside guest speakers Dr. Natasha Kendal and Fejiro Evwaraye from the Kendal Clinic in Oakland County.

Reardon said that the first step to a calm family gathering is to prepare ahead of time and actively check in with yourself before, during and after the event.

“Find a way to let those emotions have a life before these really big events,” she said. “Things like journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help. I am a really big proponent of just having a good cry. It helps you feel more grounded and ready to handle whatever the holidays or family throws at you.”

Reardon said that the HALT method is a good way to check-in with oneself. HALT stands for ‘Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired?’ which are all basic human needs that can cause heightened emotions.

“Take time to check in with yourself and look at those physical and emotional needs and how you can better meet them,” she said. “Even if it’s taking a nap or having a snack on the way there, that can really set us up for success and navigate these possible family dynamics and conflicts coming up.”

Politics can be divisive. Reardon said that the most recent election results announced on Nov. 6 have “highlighted” that divide.

“When people’s beliefs feel like they directly challenge your values or seem to threaten your rights or interests, it’s hard not to take them personally,” she said. “There is a real fear that opposing views might undermine progress or lead to negative outcomes, and that fear can easily translate into frustration or conflict.”

Changing the subject, or completely stepping away from these kinds of conversations are the best way to deal with them, according to Whitaker.

“All we can do is control ourselves. We can’t always control every situation, so staying calm goes a long way,” Whitaker said. “You can try to change the topic; definitely use humor if it is appropriate. Ultimately, maybe just completely stop engaging in the conversation, if that’s what needs to take place — just no longer verbally be a part of the conversation.”

Reardon said that some of the topics that families should avoid are religion, politics, money, personal appearances, ongoing family feuds and controversial current events.

Even in the case of a family agreeing on these topics, it is important to just leave them out of the conversation.

“Even if you share those same perspectives, I always say try to tread lightly on these topics, which as we know can easily escalate or trigger emotional responses,” Reardon said.

Stepping away for periodic breaks and decompressing in another room is a suggestion from both Whitaker and Reardon.

All in all, it is important to remember that you do not always have to stay for the entire event. If you are completely uncomfortable with attending, both Reardon and Whitaker said it is OK to not go.

“Oftentimes we can feel really guilty for saying no, but I like to kind of reframe it where if you think that you’re going to be really stressed or anxious at an event, it not only saves you by saying no, but can save those around you by saying no,” Reardon said.

Planning ahead and steering clear of topics or scenarios that are uncomfortable are the quickest ways to have a conflict-free holiday season.

“You know you best, and you know what you can tolerate,” Whitaker said. “When you have a plan you can follow, it does make it easier.”